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Here, Young Man, Your Hormones Are Raging

I think I’m a little late on this, bear with me.

So apparently in Montana Ken Peterson, a 75-year-old Mormon Republican senator (sounds like my kind of guy, right?) is basically the guy who kept the anti-sodomy law alive and kicking in Montana. I’m not even going to go into why having anti-sodomy laws is wrong, because if you don’t know you should probably not be reading this blog. His reasoning for keeping the law from being banished into the pits of oblivion? Because, well, otherwise gay men might just get it on in public constantly. Like, on playgrounds at recess where small children run and frolic until they see Bill and Jim banging on the jungle gym. We all know they’re too horny to contain themselves, amIright? (read the last few sentences with dripping sarcasm) And also, seeing gay people kiss makes you gay, homo, in short, a pansy, to be denounced by real men and women with plastic breasts and dyed blonde hair.

Studies done by the University of Non-Idiocy have proved that seeing two people of the same gender kiss does not switch your orientation,* and if it does, you seriously needed to come out of the closet anyway. And if good sir Ken Peterson is so worried about gay people “converting” the oh-so-pure straight folk, shouldn’t he be more concerned about horny teenage boys looking at fakity-fake lesbian porn? Because even though those actresses are probably straight and not actually representative of lesbian relationships, they are still OMG HOLY CRAP TWO GIRLS KISSING WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO. And horny teenage boys are impressionable! They might all go gay and start, I don’t know, carrying out items from the homosexual agenda**! And wearing pink! LE GASP!

But Ken Peterson is no dummy. He has proof that our young, impressionable, noble, intelligent, All-American (and most importantly, straight) boys will be turned to gays. After all, he points out, what teen boy could refuse if a gay man said unto him,

Here, young man, your hormones are raging. Let’s go in this bedroom, and we’ll engage in some homosexual acts. You’ll find you like it.

…Wait, what? Yeah, that was an actual quote from Ken Peterson! Obviously, those devious gays will use their powers of awkward sexual propositioning to… Honestly, I laughed for five minutes straight (ha ha! pun not intended) after reading that. That is possibly the most hilarious/disturbing piece of anti-gay propaganda I’ve ever heard. What gay man would actually say this? I know gay men. None of them talk like Russian pedophiles that learned English from reading Dick and Jane books (though I’m not sure Dick and Jane ever propositioned anyone on the basis that their “hormones were raging”). This is so ridiculous it’s hard to make fun of it. But I’m going to have a hard time not running up behind my friends and purring it creepily into their ears.

Let’s get our act together and realize that seeing two dudes make out does not a homosexual*** make. Also, I’m pretty sure the LGBTQ community isn’t that prone to just randomly screwing on the streets. At least no more than hets.

*Although a friend and I do have a joke that smacking someone on the head and yelling, “Coulda hadda V8″ changes your orientation. Smack a straight person once, and they’ll become bi. Smack ’em twice, and they’ll turn gay. And vice versa for everyone else. This is scientifically proven stuff, guys.

**”Homosexual agenda” is one of the two phrases (the other is “panda farts”) that never fails to crack me up. It just sounds so old-white-homophobic-right-wing guy. I mean, what is the homosexual agenda? All men are required to run about singing showtunes? Flannel shirts must make up exactly 75% of any given woman’s wardrobe (20% is jeans, 4% is hiking boots, and 1% is all the underwear that’s left after we burn our bras)?

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