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Ask Rabbit (A.K.A. Vaginas Are UFOs)

Yesterday in English we had to do a cool assignment where everyone cut out headlines from a newspaper, stuck them in a shoe box and then we drew them out and made poems out of them. The assignment in and of itself was more fun than my new Doc Martens*, but that is not the point. The point is that I saw this advice column. I do not remember what the question was, as it was entirely inconsequential to the misogyny that took place. I think it had something to do with cop cars. Anyway, not-so-charming author seemed to be a real First Degree MisogyDouche of the Highest Order, so I ripped out the offending quote** and stuffed it in my backpack.

…Never seen the phenomenon you describe… and my first impulse was to dismiss it as just another piece of unsubstantiated hearsay, like UFOs, or the female orgasm.

Do you perhaps see where I’m going with this? Dr. Asshole has decided that the female orgasm does not exist. Nope, those crazy women keep saying that it’s there, but no woman I’ve ever had sex with has had an orgasm, so they must not exist. Paging Dr. Asshole, you are probably just horribly, terrifically, catastrophically shitty in bed. And yes, I do realize that he is probably employing the fine, fine art known as hyperbole. But hyperbole is no excuse for a joke made in poor taste. You can’t go around making racial slurs and then claim it was all hyperbole.

I feel like I should call up a global meeting to alert all of the idiots who seem to think that because guys apparently*** think that because women don’t always come easily, female orgasm is unimportant. Believe me, boys, if you think this, they’re not sexin’ you up because of your charisma, so I’d say that female orgasm is pretty important. And honestly, the lady is probably not just having sex with you because she really, really, has tons of fun not getting off, so if she wants to come, shouldn’t it be an obligation to at least try? Instead of dismissing it as a freaking UFO. The whole, “female orgasm is soooo hard, though, and I already came, so…” is just another way to subjugate female pleasure (heterosexual female pleasure, anyway) and make it easier for guys to get off while girls… don’t. And don’t try to claim our culture isn’t built around men’s sexual pleasure; because the last time I went to a movie I saw a plethora of skinny girls with Dolly Parton Boobs, and yet not one male-model-turned-actor hanging about in an itty-bitty Speedo.

Not that Speedos are all that hot, in my opinion, but you get the idea. Guys are not encouraged to show off their package in public. Girls are, but not because they are actually getting off. Because, y’know, the female orgasm doesn’t exist. Vaginas are UFOs; Unidentified Fucking Objects.

*Just kidding. Nothing is more fun than new Doc Martens. The feeling of having new Doc Martens is sort of what I imagine being on ecstasy, holding a really fluffy baby bunny and meeting Joan Jett all at the same time would be like.

**Which is why there are so many ellipses, because the edges of the paper are all ragged.

***Being 14 and weird as hell, I cannot say I am an expert in these matters, so correct me if I’m wrong. Or don’t, actually. I don’t want to hear you talking about your dick/vagina/celery sticks/whatever you have down there.

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