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Studies Show That Women Are Hardwired to Enjoy Vacuuming

I used to believe every single study I ever heard. Now I dismiss pretty much 50% of them as sexist pseudo-science. Once you’ve done your radical feminist research, it’s pretty obvious which ones are biased. If a study claims that women are “hardwired”, “have evolved”, “naturally”, or any other b.s. below, it’s probably a fake written by a short, red-faced man cackling maniacally and squealing, “Ha ha! The Patriarchy’s gonna LOVE this one! Ha ha!”.

1) Women are hardwired to like manly men. Tall, manly, men with big beards and muscles and chest hair and shit who chop down trees and eat raw animals that they caught with their BARE HANDS in the tropical forests of Alaska.

2) On a similar note, that men are hardwired to like pretty, feminine girls. Men cannot help falling head-over-heels with the first shy lil’ thing to bat her eyelashes at him. They prefer women who have no opinions and exist only to sigh dramatically, “I do think you’re right, good sir. OH!” as she swoons and falls over. The most egregious example of these two is one my friend told me today– that men are more likely to find women who are scared during horror movies attractive, and women are more likely to find men who are not frightened attractive. BLARGH. That’s just… over the top sexist. And it fails to explain why I think boys are cute when they get all scared or nervous.*

3) Abortions are bad for women. Period. Any time a study claims that abortions are collectively bad for women, it is fakity-fake-fake. (They don’t cause breast cancer. Give me a break.)

4) Day care will RUIN your child forever, leaving them a withered shell of their once cute and playful self. They will refuse all food, and when asked why reply, “Mummy doesn’t love me, does she? DOES SHE?” Yeah, day care is pretty much the cause of 98% of all serial killers in America these days. Guess what? I just pulled that study out of my ass! Which is exactly where all these other studies came from! Chortle chortle chortle.

5) Staying at home/housework keeps women healthy, happy, and ready to cook dinner for hubby. Nope. If staying at home makes me happy, it’s because I’m staying at home eating cookie dough and reading X-Men comics. WOLVERINE WOLVERINE WOLVERINE WOLVERINE.**

Speaking of which, we have a massive tub of cookie dough in the fridge right now. Have you heard about the obesity epidemic in America? If someone doesn’t get rid of that cookie dough soon, someone’s gonna eat it, and we all know what that’ll do. (hint: make them gain weight). So I’m off to make sure no one else gets their grubby little paws on my cookie dough.

*That is their natural state when around me, of course.

** If there is any doubt that me and Wolverine are actually long-lost siblings, than shall I just say I had an epic dream where we were definitely long-lost siblings or cousins or some mess and I could also blow stuff up with my mine. And this was before I’d ever read an X-Man comic.

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