Lucy, I’m Hoooome

I’m so sorry it’s been such a long time since I last posted! I have had so much homework lately, it’s kind of ridiculous. I tried telling my teachers that I am busy defeating the patriarchy and making the world a better place but they ignored me and slapped another grammar packet on my desk. So today’s post is going to be short too, because I have to memorize the collective works of Shakespeare or something. Actually, it’s not going to be much of a post. Here’s an “It Gets Better” video from Gabrielle Rivera, who made the awesome lesbian short film “Spanish Girls Are Beautiful”, which you can check out over at Autostraddle.

In case you have been hiding under a rock/really need to catch up on your LGBTQ news and don’t know what the It Gets Better videos are, I will tell you. They are SHEER AWESOME. Basically, they’re gay people who are All Grown Up and Responsible Adults and are telling the baby gays that it gets better and that the entire world is basically not a sucky place a.k.a. high school. Some celebrities have made them (including Dan Savage, who started the whole shebang, and Adam Lambert who I love because he is adorable and I want him to take me on magical glam adventures). I get all teary-eyed watching them because there is so much passion in them. Watch and weep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr5ix1UUnPI&feature=player_embedded#at=58

UPDATE: HOLY SHIZNITS. Kermit the Frog has an It Gets Better video and it made my day. Technically, it’s not about being gay. It’s about being green. But it’s not easy being green and I think we can tack another G into LGBTQ for Green.

Rabbit Does More Than Fume

In my recent post, Rabbit Fumes In the Back Row, I yelled about someone making a “go make me a sandwich” joke during an school council election speech; one that I’m pretty sure has to be approved by teachers. This made me really, really, really angry. Like, time to bring out the feminist adamantium claws angry. (If you didn’t get that, go read Rabbit Fumes in the Back Row). It pissed me off to such an extreme degree, in fact, that I decided to do more than yell on my blog.

Yep! I wrote a letter. I am still communicating with teachers to figure out how to send it to the right people, but I’ve started to figure it out. I’m actually a little shaky because I got this huge adrenaline rush writing it. Talk about a feminism nerd. Then again, I’m the girl who wears her homemade Betty Friedan and Kathleen Hanna pins pretty much every day.

Speaking of Kathleen Hanna, I want to thank Bikini Kill and my mom. Because you know I had on my headphones on and was growling along to “White Boy” as I wrote the letter. And also, my mom is pretty much Awesome Feminist Mom and she helped me figure out who to send it to and such. Seriously, though, my mom is sitcom-mama levels of awesome. You know how on cheesy sitcoms the sidekick will have a parent that represents a minority or “very special issue”? Like the sidekick’s dad will be gay and explain on the show how gays are just like everyone else* or the mom will be a feminist? Yeah, well my mom isn’t a creepy sitcom mom, but she’s pretty great. I would not be a feminist without her. And no, she didn’t brainwash me by reading me The Female Eunuch while I was still in utero or something. She just happens to be a asskicking strong woman who I admire and who is awesomely independent and who even let me play with Barbies and read Seventeen until I went on my walkabout in the Australian bush and met my spirit animal. My spirit animal is Simone de Beauvoir, by the way. I sort of wish it had been a bear or something though. Simone de Beauvoir is much harder to carve into a totem pole than a bear, or fish, or eagle or something.

The text of my letter is below, although I censored some stuff. While normally I am entirely against censorship, I would prefer not to give away anyone’s names or the school I go to, because for all I know you are a creepy stalker. So I will have to settle for writing myself a stern letter about the harms of censorship.

To Whom It May Concern:

During yesterday’s assembly, a comment was presented as humorous; however, I found it to be personally offensive as well as sexist and degrading. In (student name)’s speech, she suggested that we create incentives for students to attend events; she quoted several students, including one who claimed that an incentive for them would be “a woman who would make them a sandwich”. The connotation of this joke is that a woman’s voice is not important, and that their role is to shut up and serve men. This is a pretty common “joke” that is always inappropriate, oppressive, and intended to silence women.

I was surprised and concerned that no (school name) adults made any effort to intervene and that it was passed off as humorous. At (school name), we pride ourselves on our tolerance and I know that no comments that were similarly oppressive, such as a racist joke, would never be allowed. As a young feminist, I was appalled and offended that this was allowed. I don’t feel safe in an environment that would support sexist comments without any reprimand. Jokes that demean my worth as a young woman do not make me want to attend (school name) events, and it is debasing to all the young women at (school name) to hear these kind of misogynistic comments in a supposedly fun environment like an assembly. I hope that this can be addressed soon.

 

(Rabbit)

 

*This would be great, if I didn’t hate sitcoms as a general rule. And the “very special episodes” are always super patronizing.

 

The Lesbrary

The Lesbrary linked to Rabbit the Feminist! Go and check them out– they are a book blog that reviews lesbian/bi/etc books, books by queer authors, or both. On their about page they say that they’ll pretty much review any book that falls into the category of “doesn’t identify as a man and is at least some of the time attracted romantically and/or sexually to others who do not identify as a man” which sounds pretty awesome to me. And I spend the vast majority of my non-computer time reading, so this will be great!

Rabbit Fumes in the Back Row

If you attended my high school and went to the assembly we had today, and happened to glance into the back row about halfway through, you would have seen me with steam blowing out of my ears and a feminist lecture upon my lips. Because some utter asshole decided it would be a great time to bring up the sandwich thing.

Let’s get this straight. Feminists have nothing against sandwiches. I’m sure there are even feminists who like sandwiches. Hell, I’ve been known to enjoy the occasional peanut-butter-and-chocolate-chip myself. Sandwiches are not the problem here. Sandwiches are an innocent snack or meal.

But feminists will bare their teeth, unsheath their claws*, and shriek a vicious war cry when that tired old, “make me a sandwich” line is pulled out from its dusty place in a closet in Patriarchy HQ. Yes, during the election speeches given during the assembly today, someone actually mentioned the sandwich thing.

A girl whom we shalt call ‘O’ was explaining how she would add incentives for people to attend school events. This is all howdy-doody, but then she proceeded to give examples of what people considered incentive. “So-and-so would go to a game if we gave everyone a bowl of Cheerios, what’s-his-face would attend a play if there was free food. And Sir Asshole Toolster would attend a game if there was a woman to make him a sandwich.”

At this point I turned in my seat and told my friend K, “And Rabbit would go if she got to slap the ass who told a woman to make him a sandwich.”

And yes, I realize: time and time again it has been proven that high school boys are 99% more likely than most other human beings (with some exceptions, mainly for frat boys) to be misogynist sacks of hormones and woman-hate. And I realize someone is probably going to write me an angry comment telling me that is was “just a joke, God, feminists are all so serious, learn to laugh”. But none of the administration thought it was a problem for someone to put such an obnoxiously sexist piece into their speech? The subjugation and degradation of women is not a joke; calling it so is a) further demeaning to women and b) belittles the fight for gender equality. One would think that a group of adults trusted to run a hothouse of teenage hormones should be the most sensible, intelligent people on the planet. The kind of sensible, intelligent people who realize that making jokes at women’s expense is NEVER OK, even if it does make jocks laugh. I have the right to go to school and not have my entire gender insulted by someone who knows nothing about women and girl’s struggles.

I am considering complaining to someone, but if somebody could give me advice on how to continue, that would be great! I am not exactly sure how to bring up that this upset me, who to talk to (the principal?), how to complain, so any help with this (just leave a comment) would be wonderful.

*All feminists have adamantium claws, just like Wolverine. Because feminists are X-(WO)MEN AND WE ALL KNOW IT OK?

It’s Official

I am making it official that I am in love with Ivan E. Coyote. First that awesome video of her (I think she uses female pronouns, let me know if she prefers male or gender neutral pronouns) addressing all the femmes out there, and now this. I am reading her book Bow Grip, and I came across the past two quotes that were too good not to share.

“There is no type of woman that allows a man to hit her. There is only the type of man that would beat his wife.” (150).

How is that for possibly the best way to sum up not blaming the victim in two sentences ever? And my personal favorite,

“Don’t delude yourself into thinking women are the weaker sex, Joseph. They are just expected to tolerate more bullshit than we are.” (150).

These are wise words indeed. Memorize them and use them as a mantra to calm yourself by remembering that sane people do exist when someone says, “Well, she was asking for it” or “She’s such a slut” or “No one’s sexist anymore”.

And then go swoon because Ivan E. Coyote is amazing AND an awesome writer AND speaker, which is too much talent to be fair, and her name is this far from being Wile E. Coyote which is obviously pretty awesome.

Here, Young Man, Your Hormones Are Raging

I think I’m a little late on this, bear with me.

So apparently in Montana Ken Peterson, a 75-year-old Mormon Republican senator (sounds like my kind of guy, right?) is basically the guy who kept the anti-sodomy law alive and kicking in Montana. I’m not even going to go into why having anti-sodomy laws is wrong, because if you don’t know you should probably not be reading this blog. His reasoning for keeping the law from being banished into the pits of oblivion? Because, well, otherwise gay men might just get it on in public constantly. Like, on playgrounds at recess where small children run and frolic until they see Bill and Jim banging on the jungle gym. We all know they’re too horny to contain themselves, amIright? (read the last few sentences with dripping sarcasm) And also, seeing gay people kiss makes you gay, homo, in short, a pansy, to be denounced by real men and women with plastic breasts and dyed blonde hair.

Studies done by the University of Non-Idiocy have proved that seeing two people of the same gender kiss does not switch your orientation,* and if it does, you seriously needed to come out of the closet anyway. And if good sir Ken Peterson is so worried about gay people “converting” the oh-so-pure straight folk, shouldn’t he be more concerned about horny teenage boys looking at fakity-fake lesbian porn? Because even though those actresses are probably straight and not actually representative of lesbian relationships, they are still OMG HOLY CRAP TWO GIRLS KISSING WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO. And horny teenage boys are impressionable! They might all go gay and start, I don’t know, carrying out items from the homosexual agenda**! And wearing pink! LE GASP!

But Ken Peterson is no dummy. He has proof that our young, impressionable, noble, intelligent, All-American (and most importantly, straight) boys will be turned to gays. After all, he points out, what teen boy could refuse if a gay man said unto him,

Here, young man, your hormones are raging. Let’s go in this bedroom, and we’ll engage in some homosexual acts. You’ll find you like it.

…Wait, what? Yeah, that was an actual quote from Ken Peterson! Obviously, those devious gays will use their powers of awkward sexual propositioning to… Honestly, I laughed for five minutes straight (ha ha! pun not intended) after reading that. That is possibly the most hilarious/disturbing piece of anti-gay propaganda I’ve ever heard. What gay man would actually say this? I know gay men. None of them talk like Russian pedophiles that learned English from reading Dick and Jane books (though I’m not sure Dick and Jane ever propositioned anyone on the basis that their “hormones were raging”). This is so ridiculous it’s hard to make fun of it. But I’m going to have a hard time not running up behind my friends and purring it creepily into their ears.

Let’s get our act together and realize that seeing two dudes make out does not a homosexual*** make. Also, I’m pretty sure the LGBTQ community isn’t that prone to just randomly screwing on the streets. At least no more than hets.

*Although a friend and I do have a joke that smacking someone on the head and yelling, “Coulda hadda V8″ changes your orientation. Smack a straight person once, and they’ll become bi. Smack ’em twice, and they’ll turn gay. And vice versa for everyone else. This is scientifically proven stuff, guys.

**”Homosexual agenda” is one of the two phrases (the other is “panda farts”) that never fails to crack me up. It just sounds so old-white-homophobic-right-wing guy. I mean, what is the homosexual agenda? All men are required to run about singing showtunes? Flannel shirts must make up exactly 75% of any given woman’s wardrobe (20% is jeans, 4% is hiking boots, and 1% is all the underwear that’s left after we burn our bras)?

Real Men Have Pink Hair

Real men also wear massive shiny purple platform boots. So to give you a sampling of what a real man looks like, here’s Jonathan Rhys-Meyer (in Velvet Goldmine) performing “The Ballad of Maxwell Demon”.  Isn’t this entire video (including J. Rhys-Meyer) completely gorgeous?

And also, because I adoooore you and I also adoooore men in shiny, shiny pants, especially when they’re singing Stooges songs (who here doesn’t think Iggy Pop is ridiculously awesome? You? OUT.) here is Ewan McGregor as Iggy Pop in (guess what?) Velvet Goldmine singing “Gimme Danger” which is an amazing song.

Ask Rabbit (A.K.A. Vaginas Are UFOs)

Yesterday in English we had to do a cool assignment where everyone cut out headlines from a newspaper, stuck them in a shoe box and then we drew them out and made poems out of them. The assignment in and of itself was more fun than my new Doc Martens*, but that is not the point. The point is that I saw this advice column. I do not remember what the question was, as it was entirely inconsequential to the misogyny that took place. I think it had something to do with cop cars. Anyway, not-so-charming author seemed to be a real First Degree MisogyDouche of the Highest Order, so I ripped out the offending quote** and stuffed it in my backpack.

…Never seen the phenomenon you describe… and my first impulse was to dismiss it as just another piece of unsubstantiated hearsay, like UFOs, or the female orgasm.

Do you perhaps see where I’m going with this? Dr. Asshole has decided that the female orgasm does not exist. Nope, those crazy women keep saying that it’s there, but no woman I’ve ever had sex with has had an orgasm, so they must not exist. Paging Dr. Asshole, you are probably just horribly, terrifically, catastrophically shitty in bed. And yes, I do realize that he is probably employing the fine, fine art known as hyperbole. But hyperbole is no excuse for a joke made in poor taste. You can’t go around making racial slurs and then claim it was all hyperbole.

I feel like I should call up a global meeting to alert all of the idiots who seem to think that because guys apparently*** think that because women don’t always come easily, female orgasm is unimportant. Believe me, boys, if you think this, they’re not sexin’ you up because of your charisma, so I’d say that female orgasm is pretty important. And honestly, the lady is probably not just having sex with you because she really, really, has tons of fun not getting off, so if she wants to come, shouldn’t it be an obligation to at least try? Instead of dismissing it as a freaking UFO. The whole, “female orgasm is soooo hard, though, and I already came, so…” is just another way to subjugate female pleasure (heterosexual female pleasure, anyway) and make it easier for guys to get off while girls… don’t. And don’t try to claim our culture isn’t built around men’s sexual pleasure; because the last time I went to a movie I saw a plethora of skinny girls with Dolly Parton Boobs, and yet not one male-model-turned-actor hanging about in an itty-bitty Speedo.

Not that Speedos are all that hot, in my opinion, but you get the idea. Guys are not encouraged to show off their package in public. Girls are, but not because they are actually getting off. Because, y’know, the female orgasm doesn’t exist. Vaginas are UFOs; Unidentified Fucking Objects.

*Just kidding. Nothing is more fun than new Doc Martens. The feeling of having new Doc Martens is sort of what I imagine being on ecstasy, holding a really fluffy baby bunny and meeting Joan Jett all at the same time would be like.

**Which is why there are so many ellipses, because the edges of the paper are all ragged.

***Being 14 and weird as hell, I cannot say I am an expert in these matters, so correct me if I’m wrong. Or don’t, actually. I don’t want to hear you talking about your dick/vagina/celery sticks/whatever you have down there.