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Scarily Fabulous Five-Year-Olds

Have you heard about Monster High dolls? They are the lovechild of two of the most sexist things ever to exist: Twilight, and Bratz dolls join in an unholy matrimony to make dolls of monsters (there’s a zombie, vampire, Cleopatra… how Cleopatra fits into this I don’t know) And now, they’re doing the world a favor by teaching five-year-olds to wax! Great, just what we all needed. The werewolf themed doll, named Clawdeen Wolf (oh so clever, aren’t they?) has a body hair problem. Really. If you go on their website and look at the doll’s profile (yes, they all have profiles) her “Freaky Flaw” is that she is hairy. And “plucking and shaving is definitely a full time job”. WHAAAAT?? And Clawdeen continues on to say, “it’s a small price to pay for being scarily fabulous”.

This is wrong on so many levels that I need a freaking elevator. It’s nauseating. Actually, I think it could have been a cool idea; IF they had made the supposed body hair VISIBLE on the doll. THAT would have been really awesome. But apparently it’s too much for Mattel; all dolls must be clean-shaven! It is a necessity; young girls are going to be looking up to these dolls (as much as you can look up to a 6-inch-tall toy.) and it would just be too much if young girls got the idea that being anything less than plucked and shaved and waxed is appropriate. And could the phrase “full time job” be any LESS appropriate in this situation? Last time I checked, it was sick to tell young girls that it is satisfying and fulfilling to spend all your time plucking and shaving. There are so many other productive things we could be telling young girls are important and fulfilling and interesting instead of, y’know, painful patriarchal beauty processes. And a “small price to pay”? Clawdeen, dahling, I think you would agree that if you tried actually having some fun once in a while we could all agree that spending all your free time getting rid of body hair is NOT a “small price”. It’s freaking huge! At that kind of a price I expect a jumbo jet and pet chimp named Bubbles.

A spokeswoman for Mattel says, “Girls of a certain age know about the embarrassment of unwanted hair in unwanted places”. First, your target demographic (5-7 year olds) does NOT know about the “embarrassment of unwanted hair in unwanted places”. In fact, NO GIRL OR WOMAN ON EARTH would know about this “embarrassment” if the patriarchy weren’t constantly telling us how embarrassed we are about this unwanted hair in our unwanted places. Do you see guys “of a certain age” blushing coyly because they’ve got some hair on their legs and being told to get a “full time job” waxing it all, instead of being encouraged to do sports or play an instrument or learn a language? I think not. Case closed.

Now imagine her with a mustache and super-hairy legs.

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