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How To Get Your Guy (Through Lies, Deceit, and the Loss of a Great Friendship)

I went to the movies yesterday with my aunt to go see Jane Eyre. I haven’t actually read Jane Eyre, so I was expecting to be choking on feminist fury the entire time. Jane Eyre is, after all, a Victorian romance and those two words should be enough to make any feminist worth her copy of The Feminine Mystique gag. But Jane was actually pretty independent and cool, at least as much so as you could expect from a Victorian romance. She would totally have been a feminist if she’d lived today.

What I wanted to talk about was a preview I saw. It nearly made me heave my swallowed bubblegum across the theater. The basic premise of the movie was a young woman (I don’t remember the character’s name, but she was played by Ginnifer Goodwin) who has a massive crush on this guy (whose name I also don’t remember.) But she is shy, cute, and seems to have next to no personality so that she is relatable to women. Because women don’t want or need personality right? As long as we’re cute, right? Anyway, she’s so shy that she never tells the guy, and her best friend Darcy ends up engaged to him some time later. This makes our protagonist completely miserable, because obviously it is impossible for single girls to be happy *sarcasm*. As this is a rom-com, little Ginnifer Goodwin ends up drunk and in a cab with Dreamboy, and they end up making out and having a one night stand.

So what does Ginnifer do? Oh, you know; just hide it from Darcy, keep away from Dreamboy while secretly thinking she’s the one who deserves him, all while getting advice from her sassy male best friend* Some choice lines were from her sassy male best friend (SMBF)

SMBF: So you’re just going to let Darcy win?

GINNIFER (upset and hysterical, because females are hysterical. NOT): YES! Because that’s what Darcy does– she wins! Darcy always wins!

Oh, sorry, Ginnifer, I wasn’t aware this was the freakin’ 50s and getting the man means winning. How disgusting is it that this entire movie is set up around the idea that a) it is impossible for women to be happy when they don’t have their guy, b) you need to compete with other women to GET the guy and therefore be happy, and c) that romantic, (oh, but only if it’s heterosexual) love is worth so much more than friendships with other women. And notice Ginnifer didn’t have to give up her MALE best friend (SMBF, remember?) to get Dreamboy, just her female friend. How can people not realize that this is obviously setting up women’s friendships and respect (and therefore women) as inferior?

And SO. MUCH. GIRLBASHING. I’ve never seen a movie PREVIEW so jampacked with misogyny and girls and women hating on other girls and women. Hell, it was like a freaking King size** candy bar of misogyny. Except candy tastes good and leaves a good taste in your mouth, whereas this… didn’t. Needless to say, the whole thing was ridiculously heteronormative. Please, please, I’m begging you to NOT see this movie. Go see Hanna, starring Saoirse Ronan, who seems cool, and the movie is about a kickass girl who seems to have superpowers without being dressed in a sexy spandex outfit. Plus, Saoirse Ronan starred in the The Lovely Bones, which is a great book (I haven’t seen the movie).

So what was this movie called, Rabbit, so we can picket it as soon as it comes out?

It’s called Something Borrowed.

That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. I need to go take a long, hot shower now.

*And it didn’t bring this up in the preview, but he’s probably gay. Because ALL sassy male best friends are gay. DUH. At least that is apparently how things work in Hollywood. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been to Hollywood.

**King, notice. Not Queen, which is obviously smaller than King, because men are supposed to be big and huge and masculine and women are supposed to be itty-bitty teeny tiny and cute.


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