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Bad Romance With the Patriarchy

So, kids, today we’re talking about everyone’s favorite weird pop star, Lady Gaga! Yeah, I know, I’m super late to the boat on this one. So late that if the boat were Noah’s Ark Rabbit would be an extinct species (woo for bad puns). But I was watching the video for “Bad Romance” the other day and it is actually ridiculously badassly feminist. The video is, anyway– while I did cheer at the “I’m a freed bitch, baby” bit, the lyrics are really pretty bad. “I want your revenge”? Um, no, actually, I prefer my love affairs* without my daily dose of revenge, thank you very much. And no, I don’t “want your ugly”, either, you can keep it. Really, I insist.

But the video ROCKS. The basic premise is Lady Gaga is being sold to a total creep dude as a sex-slave. She resists being sold, and then blows up the guy who bought her. But *twirls mustache* let’s do a more in-depth analysis, shall we?

Things start getting interesting at 1:26, as a pink-haired Gaga is dragged forcibly from her peaceful bathtime (rubber ducky, you’re the one!) by two rather violent young ladies. It can be assumed they run the sick, twisted brothel or whatever is going on in this video. Then at 1:49, they attempt to force-feed her some kind of roofie mind-altering substance. Y’know, like a roofie. My Date-rape Metaphor Sense is tingling, you guys. But then, at 1:54, Gaga does the only right thing to do in this situation; spit the drink in your attacker’s eyes! Good job, Lady G (Holy invisible figure in the sky that I can’t see even in an airplane, did I seriously just say Lady G?). Only moments later, Gaga shows clad in what appears to be a Burberry burlap sack covered in graffiti. She struggles to keep it on, but ALAS! Her attackers (who are female but I’d bet anything they represent systemic patriarchal oppression) rip the coat/sack off. Aaaand now, my little petunias, do you see how this is representative of the constant forced sexualization of women? Underneath the coat/sack is naught but a well-placed chandelier, and some slightly gratuitous sexerful-dancing follows. Except the potty-dance at 2:21 is not really sexerful, but that’s O.K. too.

Gaga proceeds to give a lap-dance to her arrogant patriarchal oppressor random golden-jawed dude who is apparently looking to buy. I was not too happy with this, needless to say. NOO, LADY GAGA! DON’T APPEASE YOUR OPPRESSOR! HE IS THE HAND THAT HOLDS YOU DOWN!! O.K., got that out of my system. After, it cuts to a shot of a bunch of computers with “LADY GAGA – $1,000,000 – SOLD” on them. I guess he liked his lap dance.

After some more dancing and extremely high lobster shoes, Gaga approaches golden-jawed man wearing her Polar Bear Cape of Justice. She drops it to the ground, revealing sexerful lingerie, golden-jawed man goes from golden-jawed to slack-jawed and then… she blows him up. WOOT! Good job, girl. Blow up your oppressor.** Blowing up your oppressor is especially amazesome when you pose super-dramatically afterwards with a wind-machine and then lay coyly by the desiccated corpse wearing a missile launcher bra.***

*That was funny because I DON’T HAVE LOVE AFFAIRS!! Ha ha!! Well, I do have a love affair with brownies, but it’s complicated. We’re taking a break right now, so we’re open to seeing other people.

**I don’t actually advocate blowing anybody up, but from an artistic/metaphorical point of view… Everything’s better with Boom, right?

***I can’t be the only one who thought of Tank Girl (I effing love Tank Girl – the comics, not the movie) when I saw that bra.

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